Gift-Trapped—Abusers’ Presents Come with a Price
Here’s a different way to look at gifts
Joy. Gratitude. Happiness.
Gifts can evoke positive emotions—unless they come from the hands and mind of an abuser.
Narcissists often see gift giving as a time to reinforce their control of a relationship or to humble you. Yes, you read that right. A gift can put you in an inferior position or be a reminder of all the things you are not.
Stay with me and I’ll explain what I have learned about receiving gifts from a narcissist.
Unwrapping the motives of gifts
We have all given gifts to someone. I used to think about what the other person would want or need and then go shopping.
I was wrong.
I have come to believe that gifts are not meant to fill a void but to be a wonderful way to express how amazing the other person is.
Let me give you a scenario.
Your significant other needs a new winter coat. You buy one, wrap it, and watch as the present is open.
That is a very nice gift and one that theoretically should be appreciated.
Unless you just gave it to an abuser. Then it might hang in the closet.
Because you just told the abuser that they lack something.
Gifts should express strengths
A gift from a narcissist always highlights their strengths. An expensive present shows how well off they are and what exquisite taste they have.
Or it could show how you are lacking.
Maybe that expensive present tells the world that you don’t have enough money, or class, or taste, to get that for yourself.
Do you need a new winter coat? Perhaps the one you have now makes you look fat or old.
An abuser does not care if you like the gift
Abusers do not see you.
They only see themselves and the gifts they give reflect that.
The blow beneath the bow
Am I being too harsh? Maybe abusers can give nice gifts?
Yes, you can receive ‘nice’ gifts but there is a price for taking anything from the hands of an abuser.
Please keep in mind that abuse does not have to be demonstrated with fists and curses; abuse can be an expensive diamond necklace or a vacation cruise.
Abuse can be in any beautiful box with a bow, which is how we miss it.
The next time you receive a gift, look past the wrapping paper and see what it really says.
Is the person acknowledging your strengths or are they highlighting a void or weakness in your life?
Does the gift put you or the gift bearer in the spotlight?
Yes, this can be difficult to determine, especially if you don’t believe you are in an abusive relationship.
Try to examine the context of the gift in regard to your relationship with that person. Let’s imagine Grandma gave you a pair of socks.
In one scenario, you have a good relationship, talk often, and share a crocheting hobby. Her handmade socks made from the yarn you pointed out on a shopping trip together warm both your feet and your heart.
In the other, you don’t do more than exchange birthday and holiday cards. Your trips to her house as a child were rigid and you were expected to look and act perfectly. As an adult, your trips became rare because you inherited the judgmental looks and unsolicited advice that Grandma used to give to your mother. The pair of thermal socks received after your move to a tropical climate is just another dig at her disapproval of you.
All I ask is that you think about gifts in a different way.
My challenge
The next time you are selecting a gift for someone, ask yourself how you see them.
What are their strengths?
What do you love about them?
What can you give that might encourage them?
Make your gift a statement that you see them.
Heartwork!
Think of a gift you received.
Describe how it made you feel.
Did you really want or need it?
Or was it an expression of who you are?
My book Trauma Sleuth: Finding Your Write Way will be available later this year and will use a format that is both unique and powerful to facilitate healing. I will also be offering a course, based on the book, to give you a community in which to be seen and heard.
And that’s a big part of healing—being seen. Abuse survivors have lived in silence since they were not able to put words to their experience.
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