Questions are an Abuser’s Kryptonite

But use with caution

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Abuse comes in many forms. That might be why it’s sometimes hard to notice it.

Did you ever think that abuse could come in the form of a question?

Or that a question might be a way to deflect abuse?

Yes, that sounds contradictory but let’s see how it plays out in real life.

Questions can be abusive

Abusers often ask questions as a tactic to manipulate and control their victims. They do this to shift blame, gaslight, test boundaries, or make their target feel guilty.

When used like this, the questions become the weapon. They serve to further the abuse, while undermining the actions and thoughts of their victims. Questions can alter a sense of reality and isolate a person because they have the ‘wrong’ answer.

Sometimes, this is hard to spot as abusive behavior because who would question a question?

What does it sound like?

Why are you always so sensitive?

Did I really say that?

Why are you being so difficult?

You have probably heard these questions or some variation of them before. They’re common. We can almost say they’re ‘normal.’

But they are abusive.

If you just thought I may be overly dramatic, please read on and I’ll explain.

What the questions are really saying

When someone asks why you are so sensitive they are dismissing your emotions.

If you are asked to recount who said what or when, the abuser is making you question your perception of events which can make you doubt your own memory and experience.

Being accused of being difficult is shifting the blame to you.

The best answer is another question

Abusers like to manipulate and control by using questions. It puts the other person on the spot and makes them come up with an ‘acceptable’ answer.

But we can use questions too.

Before I explain more, I first want to say that I do not recommend angering an abusive person. By understanding how questions can be turned into weapons against you, I would like you to know that you don’t have to participate in these kinds of conversations.

My goal is to show you how questions can deflect abuse and hopefully give you time to leave the conversation and eventually to leave the relationship safely.

A question for a question

By answering an abusive question with a simple question of your own, you shift the focus back onto the abuser, you uncover their motive, and you create a moment of uncertainty for them. This moment in time can often end the conversation or allow you to physically and emotionally distance yourself.

Let’s see how this sounds.

When you are accused of being too sensitive ask, “What makes you think that?” The abuser needs to provide evidence, or it will become obvious that there were never any facts to back them up.

If you are asked to recount a specific conversation from the abuser ask, “Why are you asking that?” The motive of the abuser may come out at this point. They may ask for your perspective, only to pick it apart and accuse you of being combative or even lying.

When you are told you are being too difficult, ask, “No one else thinks that, why do you?” This casts doubt on the abuser’s question.

If you’re asking these questions in a real-life conversation, I encourage you to remain calm and use a neutral tone.

Why can questions silence an abuser?

The main reason is that questioning the abuser on any level minimizes their control over you and the conversation.

Most importantly, flipping the script stops you from defending yourself from abusive questions.

Abuse doesn’t always come with fists and shouts; a question meant to hurt you can also cause you pain.

Perhaps the best question to ask when you are in an abusive relationship is, “How can I safely leave?”

Heartwork (homework)

Write down three uncomfortable questions you have been asked.

Answer them with a question of your own.