Unspoken Truths
One conversation… two points of view
Words are powerful.
They can inspire, comfort, motivate, and heal.
Or they can hurt, destroy, shame, and humble.
The power of words is captured in their meaning and interpretation.
Like in these conversations that both describe the same event.
Happy Birthday!
“Hi Diane! How was your birthday celebration last night?”
“It was okay.”
“Just okay? You were so excited about it last week. What happened? I bet Danny gave you a great gift.”
“Well, you know Danny. Always busy. He didn’t have time to shop for a present, so he gave me money.”
“Money is always good. Time for us to go shopping!’
“Yeah… sure.”
“How about that romantic birthday dinner you planned?”
“Um… he had to work and didn’t make it home until late. By then the food was cold. But he said we could have a special dinner another time.”
“That’s good. At least you have someone in your life to celebrate with.”
“Yeah.”
Happy Birthday?
“Hi Danny! Glad you’re home! Give me a couple minutes and I’ll warm up our dinner.”
“Don’t bother. I already picked up something before.”
“Why were you late?”
“I was working! What else do I do?”
“I wish you had called. I made a special dinner. Homemade lasagna. My grandma’s recipe.”
“Glad I missed it! Anything connected to your family is half baked. Haha! Get it?”
“Yeah.”
“Why the special dinner?”
“Today is my birthday.”
“Well, let’s grab a pizza over the weekend to celebrate.”
“Sure.”
“Wow, another year gone by already! You’re getting old. I thought your birthday was next month. Anyway, I didn’t get a chance to shop so here’s some money. Buy yourself something.”
“$20?”
“Hey, I’m tired. I’m going to bed. Oh—and happy birthday.”
Both conversations had truth but…
When Diane was talking to her friend about her birthday, she gave honest answers.
She got money for her birthday and Danny came home late and missed the special dinner.
But Diane didn’t add any meaning or give context to her story. (Did she know her friend would have reacted differently?)
Yes, she told the facts, but she didn’t place her narrative in her reality.
What really happened.
Danny was late again. He’s not working all these hours. He’s up to something.
The lasagna was dried up and shriveled. I can’t believe I spent hours making it. All homemade ingredients! For what?
And now he goes to bed after giving me a 20-dollar bill? Seriously?
Here’s another birthday I celebrate by myself.
What could happen
“Danny, we need to talk.”
“I’m tired. I just got home from a long day.”
“I’m tired too. From pretending this is a healthy relationship. Since today is my birthday, I am giving myself a present.”
“What?”
“I’m giving you a choice: we talk to a marriage therapist, or we get divorced. Today I celebrate my birth into this world by giving myself a new start.”
“You’re crazy!”
“Quite the opposite. I found reality.”
Heartwork (homework)
Write about an event in two ways.
First, record only the facts.
Then, add meaning, interpretation, and context to the events.
Writing your narrative is finding your reality
As a survivor of emotional abuse and a writer, I see the power words have to heal.
Although it took me a while to figure that out.
This newsletter will give you short actionable steps—using writing—to help you create a healing narrative.
My book Trauma Sleuth: Finding Your Write Way will be available this summer and will use a format that is both unique and powerful to facilitate healing. I will also be offering 6-week workshops, based on the book, to give you a community in which to be seen and heard.
And that’s a big part of healing—being seen. Abuse survivors have lived in silence since they were not able to put words to their experience.
You are invited to join us. Subscribe for weekly writing exercises and to get the latest updates.